"I listen to the wind of my soul..."

For as long as I can remember, I have always listened to the little voice inside of me ... my inner soul ...





It has never failed me...


As a little girl, it would warn me when I was contemplating doing something undesirable...( like biting my 'mean" brother, or lying to my Mom and Dad) Sometimes I would listen, sometimes I would not...the fact that this nagging voice always seemed to be right, irritated the heck out of me.

As I grew older, I understood  and became more aware of this little voice, and I began to listen ...it guided me through the many highs and lows of my life...Such as  the awkward stage of Puberty ("things won't always be like this.")... Dating (" trust me, your soulmate is out there somewhere, .) ... Career (" you are meant to work with children")... Marriage ("you can't find anyone better than him -he is your soulmate") ...Parenting ( "always try to see through the eyes of a child") And now, most recently,  my health... ("do not panic, everything will be okay.")

Really?..

Even though this irritatingly nagging voice was always there, looking out for my best interests, there were times that I would just ignore it...(Such as, "you are doing too much,... slow down,... take better care of yourself... you should really get yourself checked out...") It seemed like a good idea at the time ... After all, I was perfectly happy, and enjoying life...

However, I paid dearly.

Hence the predicament I was in 8 months ago - stage 4 breast cancer into lymph and lungs...primary tumor - 396 cc (size of a grapefruit) ... realistically, not much hope, personally, devastating...

Really?

Not according to my little voice...according to that perpetually optimistic voice, I would be okay...I just needed to focus and listen... no need to panic, no need to be afraid.

 Um, okay.....

My inner voice gently guided me to Tom Tam. It reminded me of how he miraculously cured my frozen rotater cuff and fibro cystic tumor a few years back...now having been diagnosed with breast cancer, I needed to talk to him, and see what could be done.

I decided to listen, and found my way back to Tom's office...

Thank goodness for that.

When I spoke with Tom, he assured me that my condition was an easy one, and everything would be okay. Because he was so sure of himself,  I found myself totally believing in him. Any doubt and fear that I may have had, completely disappeared that day.

I immediately began my personal healing journey...a journey filled with hopes and dreams of a healthy future... I have never looked back since.

Yes, my inner voice hasn't failed me yet.

Fast forward...

July 13, 2010

Today I have another appointment with Dr Daly. Again,it's on the 13th of the month... (lucky, or unlucky number? I am not so sure anymore.) I am extremely nervous to say the least...

Recently there have been some setbacks in the Tong Ren community. Four people that I came to know  and love through guinea pig classes have passed on. Three people that I have befriended have gotten some bad news, and decided to do chemotherapy along with the Tong Ren. One person that I  have gotten to know a little bit, has lost faith in the Tong Ren Healing System.

Needless to say, these past few months have been rough.

I have been tried and tested...but my inner voice keeps telling me to just keep focused, do not lose faith... yet, I wonder ...

I will be honest, there have been times, where I think and say to myself, "Honestly San, a DOLL and a HAMMER ?!?!"

Thankfully,that doubt never lasts long enough to wane my faith.  My inner voice won't allow it...it keeps telling me to stay focused, and keep tapping... So I do... and each time I feel stronger and more alive.

Today, I am very nervous. I realize that I haven't been as aggressive as I have been in the past, fighting this cancer...however, that little voice inside tells me not to worry... still, it is the 13th of the month.  (In the past, the 13th has been an unlucky number for my Dad - he experienced several accidents, and passed away unexpectedly on that very date...)

 I prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best...

I was scheduled for a massage this morning with Monica. During my session we dicussed my fears and concerns about the appointment, and she set me straight in her unique, loving, Monica-style way...

"Thirteen is just a number Sandra, get real !'   ( this is true... )

"Tell, me Sandra, do you LIKE to worry? "    ( not really... )

"Then STOP it. There are better things to do."  ( gotta love her! )

Monica reassured me, reminding me that no matter what the test showed, I needed to remember  how far I have come. Also acknowledge that I am on the mend, and not to forget that... . She is such a great friend ...Monica wants me to heal, and I believe her.

 I felt so much better after my session.

So good infact, that I went home and took a nice peaceful nap before my appointment with Dr Daly. * Tom believes that we heal most when we are sleeping, because that is when the mind and body shut down, and the ' chi ' can do it's job healing... I believe that. *

Later, as I was on my way out the door to see my favorite doctor,  my inner voice told me to grab a doll and hammer and tap on the way...so I did. the more I tapped the less anxious I became, and was able to focus on all the positive things that have happened in the past three months ... my anxiety began to subside, and I was actually looking forward to what the doctor had to say...

Dr Daly greets us with his infectious smile, and leads us into the examination room. I am becoming nervous ... once again that little reassuring voice tells me to stay focused , remain calm, and everything will be okay...

We go through the usual routine- weight, BP, heart rate, lungs throat, ...everything was normal. Then he measured the primary tumor...he is frowning again, and taking longer than usual...this can't be good...then, he smiles and announces that it has diminished even more!

97% to be exact - only 3% remains!!

Dr Daly happily announced that the remaining mass is probably all scar tissue...

Seriously??!!

I am in a state of nirvana once again... It's such a good place to be!!  In the distance, I hear Dave  and Dr Daly talk things over...

In my head, I hear my inner voice softly singing it's little heart out...


"I listen to the wind, to the wind of my soul,
 Where I'll end up, well I think only God really knows..."

It's true, I don't know where I'll end up,  but I will tell you this -

Whatever my little voice tells me...

I will listen.

Update on tumor measurements:

Nov 3, 2009   : 6 x6 x 11 cm 396cc

Dec 11, 2009 : 5 x 5 x 9 cm 225 cc

Feb   5, 2010  : 3 x 3 x 7 cm 63 cc

April 13, 2010: 2 x 2 x 7cm 28 cc*
                         tumor broke into two pieces- one small, one large

July   13, 2010: 1 x 1 x 7 cm
                        1.5 x1.5 x 2 cm
                                     
                         Total remaining: 11.5 cc

*The tumor has diminished 97%
*Only 3% remains! (mostly scar tissue)


The tumor went from 396 cc down to 11.5 cc in just 8 short months.

Unbelievable.


No chemo, no radiation, no surgery

***Thank God for Tom, Monica, Laura, Eleanor, and all Tong Ren Practioners. The love and support that they give so freely is what I need most. ***

I am extremely grateful.