" Quietly Walks the Buddha... "

March 2010

Today is gorgeous, and sunny.
Perfect.

About a week ago, I spoke with  my sister Liz who lives in Florida, and confided in her about my condition. She became very concerned, and wondered why I hadn't told everyone. I responded with an email, and with her permission I am posting an excerpt from that .

When I feel I want to share the news with the rest of my family, hopefully after reading this entry, they will understand why I decided to keep it a private matter....


" Until recently, we wouldn't even mention the word cancer. It's such a hideous word to me. Hideous disease, hideous word. Now , I can say it without getting a pit in my stomach, or feeling my heart beat so fast, it feels like it will explode.

Cancer. It's just a word. I will not accept it.

That's one thing Papa taught me when I returned from Montana twenty years ago. I don't have to accept things the way they are. I have the power to change them.

I am not sure if you know the story when I decided to come back here...There really is no need to go into details. Anyway, I found myself in a predicament, that was quite upsetting to me. That was my first adult experience of the family dynamics, and how things worked here. It was quite the eye opener. I was devastated, to say the least.

Since Dave was not with me at the time ( I was living in Nashua, he was working in Wilmington during the week ) I went to Ma and Pa and poured my heart out. After a flood of tears, and plenty of hugs (Pa always had me sit on his lap whenever I was upset- I always felt safe there. I really miss that ), Pa helped me to understand that I did not have to accept things the way they were. If I wanted it to change, I had to change it. He talked with me, helped me draw up a plan, and then encouraged me as I implemented it into my life.

Lo and behold...my life fell into place, and once again, I had control. I was not dependent on other people. I didn't feel that I owed anyone an explanation. I experienced a new-found freedom... As far as I was concerned, it was just Dave, me , and the children.

What I hold dear to me, is Pa letting me know that he understood that. He was there for me when I felt lost, but he always sat quietly until I searched him out for advice. This was so new to me, because when I was younger, he treated me so differently.

I looked at him differently as well... I was even more in awe of him. He wasn't just Papa to me, he was a wise soul, that had a treasure trove of past experiences, and so much wisdom to share.

We developed a relationship of great love and respect. I would beg him for stories of his past, his life, his family, our family history...

He enjoyed telling his stories as much as I loved listening to them.

Being Papa, he always had a pearl of wisdom hidden in his stories. Sometimes I would recognize it right away, sometimes it would take me a while to see it...

One time he said something that resonated with me...


" Quietly walks the Buddha. "

I immediately felt the importance of this.

" Quietly walks the Buddha. "


You don't have to announce to to the world what you are doing. They don't need to know. Just be the example.

That is what I choose to do now. Go through this calmly, and quietly. I will not accept this disease.

I like to think of it as one of those awful gifts that someone has given me in the past, and I secretly want to give it back to them smiling, and saying, "No thank you." .

I am giving this hideous disease back to the unseen force that has so thoughtlessly bestowed it upon me. I refuse to accept it, and that's that...

" No thank you."

I will not suffer. I will heal. I will be the example.

So far, so good... "